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畢福劍：在這兒吃飯？
趙本山：這是鐵嶺最貴的，你來(lái)吧。
畢福劍：別別，大爺，不，老哥，我在飛機(jī)上吃了。
趙本山：那客隨主便，好不好？給你怎么安排你就聽(tīng)話(huà)，來(lái)來(lái)。
小沈陽(yáng)：畢老師，你不給照個(gè)相嗎？畢老師。
畢福劍：你是男服務(wù)員？
小沈陽(yáng)：嗯哪。
畢福劍：長(zhǎng)得挺委婉的。
趙本山：我剛開(kāi)始來(lái)就誤會(huì)了，你說(shuō)哪有這打扮，哎呀媽呀。坐，剛到是吧？
畢福劍：剛到，剛到。
趙本山：咱是老鄉(xiāng)。
畢福劍：是嗎？
趙本山：你不是大連人嗎？
畢福劍：對(duì)對(duì)，大連人。
趙本山：你住哪兒？
畢福間 我住大連老鱉灣。
趙本山：哎呀媽呀，有親戚，孩子她姥爺也在老鱉灣，也姓畢。
畢福劍：你姥爺叫畢什么？
毛毛： 畢門(mén)庭。
畢福劍：你姥爺打麻將肯定是高手。
趙福劍：咋的？
畢福劍：閉門(mén)聽(tīng)嘛。
趙本山：正好你叫閉門(mén)炮。
CCTV Man Why here?
Uncle Zhao Here we've got the best restaurant in Tieling. Do c'me this way please.
CCTV Man But I've had my meal on the plane.
Uncle Zhao You're my guest, so please follow my arrangements.
Shenyang A picture of the two of us, please.
CCTV Man (to Shenyang) You're... a male waiter?
Shenyang Yup.
CCTV Man You look awfully, awfully sweet, boy.
Uncle Zhao I, too, took him to be a woman when I first came. How funny he is dressin' up like this? Sit down here. Did you enjoy your trip?
CCTV Man Yes, quite.
Uncle Zhao We mus' be fellow townsmen.
CCTV Man Are we?
Uncle Zhao Ain`t you from Dalian?
CCTV Man Sure.
Uncle Zhao Which part?
CCTV Man Old Turtle Bend.
Uncle Zhao Where her mummy's daddy used to live, too. So we're even relatives.
CCTV Man (to Yadar) What`s his name?
Yadar Bi Menting.
CCTV Man Your grandpa must be good at playing mahjong.
Uncle Zhao Why?
CCTV Man The name sounds like a mahjong term.
Uncle Zhao That matches you' nickname "Bi Mengpao," as you're a mahjong man you'self.
畢福劍：我叫畢福劍。
趙本山：這也是的，沒(méi)準(zhǔn)兒都......實(shí)在......哎呀，這一笑，你看看，多像你姥爺臨走那張照片。
毛毛： 爺爺，你快看，不笑更像。
畢福劍：我今兒個(gè)躲不開(kāi)了。
趙本山：孩子這一輩子，跟爺爺不行，就跟姥爺親。姥爺臨走把她哭完了�？煺J(rèn)姥爺。
毛毛： 姥爺好。
畢福劍：別別別，起起......。大過(guò)年的，你要來(lái)這個(gè)，我得給你壓歲錢(qián)了。
趙本山：不用，不用。哎呀，這家伙，來(lái)......
小沈陽(yáng)：畢老師，你給我照個(gè)相唄。
趙本山：這沒(méi)吃飯呢，你先揣起來(lái)。點(diǎn)菜，快點(diǎn)。
小沈陽(yáng)：照完再點(diǎn)唄。
趙本山：點(diǎn)完再照。
小沈陽(yáng)：要跑了呢？
趙本山：。誰(shuí)跑啊？畢老師都低調(diào)來(lái)的，你別跟人這樣說(shuō)。她姥爺，這都......實(shí)在親戚，你就點(diǎn)吧。
畢福劍： 不不不，咱隨便吃點(diǎn)飯就可以了。您來(lái)，您來(lái)。
趙本山： 現(xiàn)在咱家都富了，農(nóng)民生活跟過(guò)去不一樣了。你就鉚勁兒吃，你說(shuō)吃能吃多少錢(qián)哪。我點(diǎn)。
畢福劍：隨便來(lái)。
趙本山：澳洲鮑魚(yú)四只。
小沈陽(yáng)：對(duì)不起，沒(méi)有。
畢福劍：算了，別點(diǎn)那么貴的。你往下來(lái)。
趙本山：四斤的龍蝦。
小沈陽(yáng)：對(duì)不起，沒(méi)那么大的。
CCTV Man Just Bi Fujian.
Uncle Zhao Yeah, whut an... well, I'm really... (To Yadar) Look, he smiles like the last picture of you' dead grandpa.
Yadar Look, even more like it when he doesn't.
CCTV Man So I'm hopeless either way.
Uncle Zhao The girl's much closer to her maternal grandpa than to me. Sort of cried her heart out when he died. Say hello to you' new grandpa.
Yadar (kneeling down / with a kowtow) How do you do, grandpa.
CCTV Man Don't, please. It`s Spring Festvial now, and I should've given you some gift money.
Uncle Zhao Don't bother with that, sir. You're indeed...
Shenyang We haven`t had our picture taken, sir.
Uncle Zhao (to Shenyang) We haven't ordered our dishes yet. Put this damn' thing away. We'll see whut to eat first. C'me.
Shenyang Just one picture, please.
Uncle Zhao Serve the meal first.
Shenyang What if he runs away after the meal?
Uncle Zhao Who will? Mr. Bi's a modest man, coming all his way from Beijin' to give us folks a chance. Don't you say a thing like that. (To CCTV Man) I'm whut they call a "country pumpkin," my dear in-law, not really knowin' how to treat a guest. So you please order the dishes.
CCTV Man Don't be too polite. You do it.
Uncle Zhao Now we peasants have got rich, much better off than before. Eat as much as you want, it ain't gonna be a big deal anyway. Please give me the menu.
CCTV Man Don't be extravagant, buddy.
Uncle Zhao Australian abalones, four.
Shenyang Sorry, they're out of stock.
CCTV Man Too expensive anyway. Let's move on down.
Uncle Zhao Lobsters of 2 kilos each.
Shenyang Sorry, nothing that big.
趙本山：有多大的？
小沈陽(yáng)：有一斤多的。
趙本山：一斤多的......有嗎？
趙本山：有......還是沒(méi)有�。�
趙本山：這個(gè)......我跟你說(shuō)，有沒(méi)有，這是你開(kāi)的店呢，你還不明白？這不差錢(qián)。
小沈陽(yáng)：哦......那沒(méi)有。
畢福劍：下邊我看看，魚(yú)翅就更別點(diǎn)了。
趙本山： 魚(yú)翅有也別吃了，我吃魚(yú)翅有一回就卡住了，后來(lái)用饅頭噎，用醋泡，都不好使，到醫(yī)院用鑷子拿出來(lái)的。不吃那玩意兒。
畢福劍： 他也沒(méi)有。
趙本山： 你這酒店怎么要啥啥沒(méi)有呢？干什么玩意兒吃的？這畢老師容易來(lái)一趟？把你老板找來(lái)
小沈陽(yáng)：沒(méi)有。
趙本山：你就記住一個(gè)沒(méi)有了，是不？老板。
小沈陽(yáng)：啊，老板哪？老板出去了。
趙本山：上哪兒去了？
小沈陽(yáng)：不知道。
趙本山：啥玩意兒呀你？你說(shuō)吃啥呀？
畢福劍：來(lái)點(diǎn)兒家常便飯。民間的。
趙本山：民間的是吧？來(lái)民間的吧，孩子，來(lái)個(gè)小野雞燉蘑菇。
小沈陽(yáng)：沒(méi)有。
趙本山：這個(gè)可以有。
小沈陽(yáng)：這個(gè)......真沒(méi)有。
Uncle Zhao Whut kind do you have?
Shenyang Half a kilo each.
Uncle Zhao Somethin' you really have?
Shenyang Yes we do... or no?
Uncle Zhao C'me on, boy, it's you take care of things here. Don't you know whut you've got an' whut not? I'll ne'er shortchange you.
Shenyang So no, we haven't got lobsters.
CCTV Man Let me have a look. Even less need for ordering shark's fin.
Uncle Zhao I won't. Once a sharp bone in a fish got stuck in my t'roat. I tried to remove it by swallowin' lumps of rice an' softenin' it with vinegar. It didn't work, though. I was then rushed to hospital to get it picked back out with s'me tweezers. So, sharp stuff jus' won't do.
CCTV Man Not included on the menu, anyway.
Uncle Zhao This restaurant's got nothin' to serve. You've wasted you' chance to make customers happy. A disgrace to my greatest guest Mr. Bi. Where's you' boss? Get him here.
Shenyang No boss, sir.
Uncle Zhao Run out of a boss as well?
Shenyang Well... the boss is out.
Uncle Zhao Where's he?
Shenyang No idea.
Uncle Zhao Whut the hell shall we have to eat, then?
CCTV Man Just something homely.
Uncle Zhao All right, homely fare then. A lovely little pheasant boiled with mushrooms.
Shenyang I'm sorry, sir.
Uncle Zhao That's whut you can have.
Shenyang Something we really don't have.
趙本山：我給你帶來(lái)了啊，咱有。來(lái)，丫蛋，把這拿來(lái)。哎呀，多虧帶來(lái)了。
畢福劍：老哥......
趙本山：我是給你往北京帶的，現(xiàn)在你拿不走了，趕緊得在這兒吃了。
畢福劍 野山雞不能吃。
趙本山：這是家養(yǎng)的。都是野蘑菇。把這個(gè)燉了，高壓鍋啊，時(shí)間長(zhǎng)點(diǎn)，來(lái)。好了，這兒有一個(gè)菜了。來(lái)，笨蛋。
小沈陽(yáng)：你說(shuō)誰(shuí)笨蛋？！
趙本山：不是，我說(shuō)再點(diǎn)個(gè)笨雞蛋。
小沈陽(yáng)：沒(méi)有。
趙本山：我有。這樣......
畢福劍：老哥......
趙本山：這雞蛋和大蔥一炒。
畢福劍：你怎么下一趟飯店，材料都自己備？
趙本山：不是，他沒(méi)有啊，問(wèn)題是。給他錢(qián)都沒(méi)處找去。幾個(gè)菜了？倆了，這樣吧，給你們點(diǎn)機(jī)會(huì)。畢老師來(lái)一回，你們飯店表示不？
小沈陽(yáng)： 贈(zèng)送一個(gè)唄。哎呀媽呀，大爺你咋這么摳呢？你說(shuō)你一個(gè)沒(méi)點(diǎn)，完了我們還得搭一個(gè)，��？
趙本山：我說(shuō)小伙子，咱們不是一個(gè)沒(méi)點(diǎn)。我點(diǎn)完之后，鮑魚(yú)、龍蝦你都沒(méi)有。
小沈陽(yáng)：有沒(méi)有，你心里還沒(méi)數(shù)嗎？
趙本山：我有啥數(shù)，你不是說(shuō)沒(méi)有嗎？
小沈陽(yáng)： 別說(shuō)話(huà)了。一說(shuō)萬(wàn)一要有，咋整�。�
趙本山： 你到底有沒(méi)有？這差錢(qián)還是咋的？
Uncle Zhao All right, serve the one we brought. Get it here, Yadar. Lucky we didn't c'me with empty hands.
CCTV Man No, buddy...
Uncle Zhao I thought you could take it back to Beijin'. As you can't, we might as well finish it up here an' now.
CCTV Man Pheasants are forbidden for consumption.
Uncle Zhao This one's grown at home. Cook the wild mushrooms, too, in a high-pressure cooker till they're th'roughly done. So far we've got one dish ready. C'me here, dumb bell.
Shenyang What did you say?
Uncle Zhao I mean plus a dumb egg.
Shenyang We don't have any, sir!
Uncle Zhao I do. All right...
CCTV Man Buddy...
Uncle Zhao Stir-fry the eggs with the green onions.
CCTV Man Why bother yourself with every ingredient when coming to a restaurant?
Uncle Zhao They've got no stuff like this here. Not even if you're willin' to pay. See, we've got two dishes in all an' that's fine! (To Shenyang) Now I'm givin' you a chance to show you're truly hospitable, with Mr. Bi here.
Shenyang We'll serve one dish for free. You're too mean, sir, getting us to compliment you with one dish without ordering any yourself!
Uncle Zhao I did place my order, boy. But whut did you have, abalones or lobsters?
Shenyang Is it up to me to say yes?
Uncle Zhao Is it up to me, then? How ridiculous!
Shenyang Cut it out, sir. If I say yes, who knows what'll happen next?
Uncle Zhao Have you got the things or not? Not that I ain't get the money.
From: http://www.hxen.com/yingyujuben/2009-03-04/69956_4.html
小沈陽(yáng)：我知道大爺不差錢(qián)。我的意思，畢老師好容易來(lái)一回，咱吃喝不能在乎錢(qián)，大爺。你看我今年歲數(shù)小，但是我總結(jié)了，人這一生其實(shí)可短暫了，有時(shí)候一想，跟睡覺(jué)是一樣一樣的。眼睛一閉，一睜，一天過(guò)去了；眼睛一閉，不睜，這輩子就過(guò)去了。
畢福劍：小伙子，精辟。
趙本山：精辟啥，他是屁精。
小沈陽(yáng)：大爺，我沒(méi)別的意思。
趙本山：你啥意思？
小沈陽(yáng)：我的意思，人不能把錢(qián)看得太重了。錢(qián)乃身外之物。人生最痛苦的事情，你知道是什么？
趙本山：嗯？
小沈陽(yáng)：人死了，錢(qián)沒(méi)花了。
趙本山：人這一生最最痛苦的事，你知道是什么嗎？
小沈陽(yáng)：啥呀？
趙本山：是人活著呢，錢(qián)沒(méi)了。不差錢(qián)，放心吧，啊。把菜好好做上。
小沈陽(yáng)：哎，好嘞。
趙本山：這孩子。
小沈陽(yáng)：這一天......這也太摳了。
趙本山：他姥爺，這菜呢，得做一會(huì)兒。你看看丫蛋來(lái)了，這孩子從小就是一身的藝術(shù)細(xì)菌哪。
畢福劍：藝......藝術(shù)細(xì)胞。
趙本山：給看看，能不能上你的大道。
畢福劍：她......
趙本山：才藝，那是了不得。
畢福劍：老哥，我弄明白了，你今天截我到這兒來(lái)，就是為了讓您孫女上我們《星光大道》。
趙本山：可不是嘛，它有這么個(gè)關(guān)系。
畢福劍：哦，那她都......會(huì)點(diǎn)什么？
趙本山：來(lái)吧，給姥爺表示表示。服務(wù)員，拿麥克。有卡拉OK的麥克嗎？拿來(lái)。站好了。
Shenyang This I know, sir, but with Mr. Bi here, perhaps only for once, can't you stop being so stingy? I am still young, but I see life can be so very short, it sometimes is much the same as taking a sleep. Eyes closed, eyes opened, and a whole day is over. Eyes closed but never opened again - then your whole life is over.
CCTV Man That`s wit! / What a master of wit!
Uncle Zhao Not wit, he's a waiter. / To me, he jus' stings like shit!
Shenyang I didn't mean to offend you, sir.
Uncle Zhao Then whut did you mean?
Shenyang One shouldn't set too much stock on money. What good can it do, really? The most scary part of it all, sir, is to die leaving your money unused.
Uncle Zhao Whut's more scary...
Shenyang Yeah?
Uncle Zhao ... is to be left living with you' money gone. Don't worry, boy. If you play your part well, I'll pay you well.
Shenyang Do as you please.
Uncle Zhao Go ahead.
Shenyang (to himself) What a day... just too stingy.
(Shenyang exits again.)
Uncle Zhao (to CCTV Man) Preparin' the dishes would take s'me time, sir. Here's Yadar, my granddaughter. They all call her Yadar. She started showin' promise to be art'ritis when very young.
CCTV Man You mean an artist.
Uncle Zhao Please test her to see whether she's good enough for you' Broadway.
CCTV Man Can she...
Uncle Zhao Whut can she do, right? No problem!
CCTV Man Now I see. You got me stuck here so your granddaughter can get into my program.
Uncle Zhao Oh yeah, that's it.
CCTV Man What exactly can she do?
Uncle Zhao Yadar, show Grandpa Bi whut you can do. Waiter, give us a mike for a Karaoke show.
(Shenyang enters for a third time.)
Uncle Zhao (to Yadar) Stand over there.
畢福劍：那就這樣吧，照我們的規(guī)矩來(lái)。
趙本山：來(lái)，你啥規(guī)矩？
畢福劍：來(lái)，自報(bào)家門(mén)。
趙本山：瞅前邊就行了，別緊張。就擱哪兒來(lái)的。說(shuō)。
毛毛： 我是來(lái)自大城市鐵嶺蓮花池水溝子的，我名字叫丫蛋。今天，我心情非常地沖動(dòng)，今夜陽(yáng)光明媚，今夜多云轉(zhuǎn)晴。
小沈陽(yáng)：媽呀，報(bào)天氣預(yù)報(bào)哪？嘻嘻。
趙本山：你別跟她說(shuō)，她說(shuō)的是心情。別著急。
畢福劍：繼續(xù)，繼續(xù)。
毛毛： 我心情從多云轉(zhuǎn)晴了。這是為什么呢？因?yàn)槲艺业轿依褷斄�，我姥爺太好了，他能帶我上溜光大道�?BR>畢福劍：《星光大道》。
趙本山：《星光大道》。
毛毛： 上《星光大道》。我非常感謝我姥爺能給我這次機(jī)會(huì)，我太感謝你了。如果你真的把我領(lǐng)上道兒，我就感謝你八輩祖宗，我......代表八輩祖宗感謝你。忘不了你對(duì)我的大恩大德，我這輩子也不會(huì)忘記你，我做鬼都不會(huì)放過(guò)你。
畢福劍：姥爺，不，她爺，怎么越聽(tīng)這話(huà)，我越瘆得慌。
趙本山：孩子就是......啥意思？就是想報(bào)復(fù)你。
畢福劍：報(bào)復(fù)？
趙本山：啊不，報(bào)恩，報(bào)銷(xiāo)嘛。報(bào)答，知恩圖報(bào)，等出息了不能忘了姥爺。唱吧。唱。
畢福劍：能唱歌？
趙本山：唱李谷一的《青藏高原》。
毛毛： 那歌是李娜的。
趙本山：愛(ài)誰(shuí)誰(shuí)的，你唱。
CCTV Man According to our rules...
Uncle Zhao Whut're they?
CCTV Man (to Yadar) ... you shall introduce yourself first.
Uncle Zhao Look right ahead, honey. Start from the beginnin'. Don`t be nervous.
Yadar I'm from the Lotus Pond Valley of the big Tieling City. My name's Yadar. Today I'm so incited. Tonight it's so sunny, turning from cloudy to clear.
Shenyang (giggling) What're you doing, reporting on the weather?
Uncle Zhao Don't laugh at her. She's talkin' about how she feels.
CCTV Man Go on.
Yadar My feeling's changed from cloudy to sunny. Because - because I've found my grandpa. Grandpa's great, he can take me to the Star Splashed Walkway.
CCTV Man Starlight Broadway.
Uncle Zhao Starlight Broadway.
Yadar Broadway or whatever, I'm grateful to grandpa for this chance. I'll be very thankful if you can take me to your Broadway. I'll thank your ancestors... I mean I'll thank you on behalf of my own ancestors of long, long years ago. I won't forget this great favor you've done me. I owe this new life of mine to you. I'll go on chasing you even after I die to become a ghost.
CCTV Man (to Uncle Zhao) Grandpa... I mean you. The way she spoke sort of upset me.
Uncle Zhao Eh... I guess she jus' wants to revenge you...
CCTV Man Is that so?
Uncle Zhao No, I mean to repay you. Or reimburse you or whute'er. One should repay those who've generously helped him or her. When the girl becomes famous, she really shouldn`t forget you. (To Yadar) Go ahead and sing.
CCTV Man Can she sing a song?
Uncle Zhao Sing "The Qinghai-Tibetan / Qingzang Plateau" by Li Guyi.
Yadar It`s by Li Na.
Uncle Zhao Whoe'er it is.
（毛毛現(xiàn)場(chǎng)演唱《青藏高原》。）
毛毛： "是誰(shuí)帶來(lái)遠(yuǎn)古的呼喚？
是誰(shuí)留下千年的期盼......"
趙本山：中間的不用唱了，最后那個(gè)。哦喲啦，那個(gè)。
毛毛： "......那就是青藏高原。"
畢福劍：年齡不大，嗓門(mén)真高。
趙本山：來(lái)來(lái)，再長(zhǎng)一個(gè)調(diào)兒。"那就......"。
毛毛： 爺爺，鹵子有點(diǎn)吃咸了。
（小沈陽(yáng)忍俊不禁）
畢福劍：好好。
趙本山：還有呢？后面連哭帶唱的。
畢福劍：等一下。
趙本山：連哭帶說(shuō)。
畢福劍：老哥，我問(wèn)一下，連哭帶說(shuō)是什么節(jié)目？
趙本山：就后面"我家庭怎么困難，怎么不容易"那段。
畢福劍：不不，那叫獲獎(jiǎng)感言�！缎枪獯蟮馈范际钦嫒苏媸隆Ｄ氵@還沒(méi)有上北京，沒(méi)參加《星光大道》，就獲獎(jiǎng)感言了。
趙本山：這關(guān)系，另外這條件，她不獲獎(jiǎng)能行嗎？他姥爺在這兒，我還沒(méi)底嗎？來(lái)來(lái)來(lái)，哭，哭。這孩子可厲害了。差仨數(shù)，她馬上就哭。一、二、三--哭！
毛毛： 咋哭？
趙本山：哭啊，丫蛋，在家哭那么快，真完蛋了。
毛毛： 明兒也哭不出來(lái)。
趙本山：不跟姥爺有感情嗎？來(lái)，看姥爺，姥爺照片在這兒。
毛毛： 嗚嗚，嘻嘻，嘻嘻。
趙本山：完蛋了，笑什么！
毛毛： 太有了意思了，哪照片呀這。
畢福劍：不說(shuō)了，不說(shuō)了。才藝很不錯(cuò)，唱得很不錯(cuò)。
Yadar (starting to sing)
"Ah, who brings here the earnest call of remote antiquity?
Ah, who leaves behind the expectations of the millennium?"
Uncle Zhao Skip the middle part and move on to the final climax. (Trying to imitate) Yo-la-la. See?
Yadar "...That's Qinghai-Tibetan / Qingzang Plateau,
The highland of my soul!"
CCTV Man What a high pitch you've got for your age.
Uncle Zhao Push higher up. Like this.
Yadar Grandpa, the sauce's hurt my voice a bit.
(Shenyang giggles again)
CCTV Man (to Yadar) That's enough.
Uncle Zhao Next, the game of ravin' in tears after the show.
CCTV Man Wait a minute.
Uncle Zhao Gabbling between sobs.
CCTV Man What exactly?
Uncle Zhao Like "I'm from a poor family an' life's been extra hard for me."
CCTV Man Not that yet. Hold it off till after she's got an award in Beijing. The Starlight Broadway's about what people actually experience in real life. They're not supposed to act things out beforehand.
Uncle Zhao See whut support she's got an' how truly marvelous she is at singin'? It'd be funny if she goes there without winnin'! With you her grandpa here, I've got nothin' to worry about. (To Yadar) C'me on, Yadar. Show Grandpa Bi how you cry. (Back to CCTV Man) The girl's fantastic. You only count to t'ree and she'll sure break down. (Back to Yadar) One, two, t'ree - cry!
Yadar I can't.
Uncle Zhao Jus' do it, Yadar. You bring tears to you' eyes damn' fast back home.
Yadar Even by daybreak tomorrow I still won't make it.
Uncle Zhao Ain't you love your dead grandpa? Look, his photo's right here.
(Yadar tries to cry out but laughs instead)
Uncle Zhao That's gonna finish me! Why the hell are you sniggering, Yadar?
Yadar It`s so funny... what kind of a photo is that?
CCTV Man (to Uncle Zhao) Be patient, buddy. (To Yadar) Remarkable talent and truly impressive delivery.
小沈陽(yáng)：這就不錯(cuò)��？哎呀媽呀，這樣能上的話(huà)，我也能上。
趙本山：往哪上啊你！快上菜去。
小沈陽(yáng)：我上《星光大道》唄。
趙本山：上啥大道？你上炕都費(fèi)勁。
小沈陽(yáng)：畢老師好不容易來(lái)一回，讓我展示一下，我也會(huì)唱。
趙本山：哪有時(shí)間聽(tīng)。知道嗎？這都藝術(shù)圈的事，你一個(gè)服務(wù)員，唱啥唱啊？
小沈陽(yáng)：你讓我唱一個(gè)唄。
趙本山：不讓你唱。
小沈陽(yáng)：不讓我唱，我就不給你上菜。
趙本山：你不給我上菜，我找你老板去。
趙本山：你找我老板，我把你交代我的事說(shuō)出來(lái)。
趙本山：你要說(shuō)......他指定比唱的好。
畢福劍：你還是說(shuō)，還是自報(bào)家門(mén)。
小沈陽(yáng)：其實(shí)，畢老師，我的命運(yùn)(敏感詞語(yǔ))跟她是一樣的，我也有一個(gè)姓畢的姥爺。
趙本山：你拉倒吧，用不著，別套了，你該唱唱你的。你鬧心不鬧心！
畢福劍：好了，不打斷，不打斷。小伙子，你會(huì)點(diǎn)什么呢？
小沈陽(yáng)：我會(huì)模仿秀。
畢福劍：模仿誰(shuí)？
小沈陽(yáng)：模仿劉歡老師。
畢福劍：劉歡老師那一出？
小沈陽(yáng)：《我和你》。
Shenyang Do you call that remarkable? If she can go there, so can I.
Uncle Zhao Where to?
Shenyang To the Starlight Broadway.
Uncle Zhao Creep way back to you' stinkin' brick bed!
Shenyang Since Mr. Bi's here, please give me a chance to try. I can sing, too.
Uncle Zhao Who's got the time to listen? Whut's more, whut do you know about matters of art? A waiter's a waiter, after all.
Shenyang Let me sing.
Uncle Zhao Nope.
Shenyang If you don't let me sing, I won't serve you the meal.
Uncle Zhao If you don't serve me the meal, I'll get you' boss here.
Shenyang If you get my boss here, I'll speak to him about what's up your sleeves.
Uncle Zhao If you speak... I know you speak better than you sing.
CCTV Man (to Shenyang) Well, say something about yourself first.
Shenyang I share a similar fate with her, with a grandpa by the same family name of Bi.
Uncle Zhao Whut's wrong with you, tryin' to curry favor like this? Sing your stupid song, or go an' suck you' mom.
CCTV Man Please don't interrupt him. What're you good at, young man?
Shenyang I can do a mock show.
CCTV Man Whom can you mock?
Shenyang Mr. Liu Huan.
CCTV Man Which song of his?
Shenyang "You and Me."
趙本山：你自個(gè)兒唱，這剛下飛機(jī)，累這樣，跟你唱？
畢福劍：不是他和我唱。
趙本山：擱我更不唱了。
畢福劍：老哥，跟你解釋一下，這是一首歌的名兒，叫"我和你"。
小沈陽(yáng)：我給畢老師唱一個(gè)。嗯哼哼哼。
"我和你，心連心，
同住地球......"。
哎呀媽呀，我把唱詞給忘了好像。
趙本山：拉倒吧，你唱跑偏了，你這褲子就穿跑偏了，你就是個(gè)跑偏的人。
小沈陽(yáng)：激動(dòng)啦。
趙本山：你上菜去吧。
小沈陽(yáng)：我再重唱一個(gè)吧。畢老師，我再重唱一個(gè)行嗎？
趙本山：唱啥？
小沈陽(yáng)：我唱個(gè)刀郎的吧。
趙本山：拉倒吧，你唱個(gè)屎殼郎的吧。
畢福劍：老哥，"刀郎"不是一個(gè)昆蟲(chóng)的名字，它是一個(gè)人名兒，叫刀郎。歌手的名字。
小沈陽(yáng)：刀郎的聲音是滄桑的感覺(jué)。
"2002年的第一場(chǎng)雪，
比以往時(shí)候來(lái)得更晚些......"
畢福劍：你再來(lái)一個(gè)。你還會(huì)唱誰(shuí)的？
小沈陽(yáng)：我還會(huì)唱《星光大道》走出的那個(gè)阿寶。
畢福劍：阿寶的嗓門(mén)可高。
小沈陽(yáng)：接下來(lái)，我給畢老師唱一個(gè)陜北民歌，"山丹丹開(kāi)花紅艷艷"。
"山丹丹的那個(gè)開(kāi)花喲，
紅咯艷艷咯鮮。
毛主席呀領(lǐng)導(dǎo)咱們打江山，
毛主席呀領(lǐng)導(dǎo)咱......"
起高了！
Uncle Zhao Do it alone, won't you? Mr. Bi's tired from his trip. How can he sing with you!
CCTV Man No, not me.
Uncle Zhao Me, then? No way.
CCTV Man "You and Me," you see, is a song's name.
Shenyang Now I'll try. Mm-hum-hum... (Starts to sing)
"You and me, from one world,
We are family... "
Did I lose my words? What a shame!
Uncle Zhao You've lost you' tune. Say, whut mock show is this? It's more like a monkey show. Look at that empty trouser.
Shenyang Just too excited.
Uncle Zhao Go get the food.
Shenyang Can I try another song? Oh please, Mr. Bi.
Uncle Zhao Which one?
Shenyang The song by Daolang, a Chinese pop singer as counter-cultural as the British Beatles.
Uncle Zhao Pooh, a dung beetle song it's gonna be.
CCTV Man Beatles is the name of a rock group, not that of an insect.
Shenyang Daolang's voice is bleak and desolate. (Starts to sing)
"The first snow of 2002
falls somewhat later than usual... "
CCTV Man Encore! Any other song at your beck and call?
Shenyang I can also mock A Bao, a singer made popular through your program.
CCTV Man The guy with a high-pitched voice.
Shenyang Next, I'll sing a Northern Shaanxi folksong, "Wild Morningstar Lilies." (Starts to sing)
"Wild Morningstar lilies bloom
like a passionate prairie fire;
Mao Zedong leads us in our fight
to liberate all suffering people.
Mao Zedong leads us in our fight... "
I started too high.
畢福劍： 沖著點(diǎn)。
小沈陽(yáng)： "......打江山！"
畢福劍：你，叫什么名字？
小沈陽(yáng)：我的中文名字叫小沈陽(yáng)。
畢福劍：還有外國(guó)名字？
小沈陽(yáng)： Xiao Shenyang。
畢福劍：叫什么？
趙本山：沒(méi)聽(tīng)明白嗎？英文名字叫"小損樣"。
畢福劍：小伙子，你是哪兒人？
小沈陽(yáng)：蓮花鄉(xiāng)的。
畢福劍：是蓮花鄉(xiāng)的？
小沈陽(yáng)： 對(duì)呀。
畢福劍： 老哥，你兒子讓我找的小沈陽(yáng)，就是他。
小沈陽(yáng)：是我嗎？
畢福劍：你明天跟我一起去趟北京，上《星光大道》，好嗎？
小沈陽(yáng)：謝謝畢老師。哎呀媽呀，太激動(dòng)啦。
趙本山：他姥爺，這孩子你看你......這都實(shí)在親戚。另外，這些東西我都給你燉了。你不給我面子，也得給她姥爺面子。再不行讓他姥爺親自跟你說(shuō)說(shuō)？
畢福劍：別別。我想知道她的......她有名兒?jiǎn)幔?BR>趙本山：不是有名兒沒(méi)名兒。我不是推薦她，她挺有名氣的。你上搜狐網(wǎng)上，你看看新聞，點(diǎn)擊率老高了，哇哇的，就（是）那個(gè)丫蛋。
畢福劍：哦，搜狐網(wǎng)上說(shuō)的丫蛋就是她？
趙本山：就是她嘛。
CCTV Man Keep it up. Go!
Shenyang "...to liberate all suffering people!"
CCTV Man Bravo! So what's your name?
Shenyang My Chinese stage name's Xiao Shenyang, combining my own surname "Shen" with part of my wife's personal name.
CCTV Man Also got a foreign name?
Shenyang Ciao Shenyang.
Uncle Zhao See? His English name's Shorth Sorryankee.
CCTV Man Where're you from?
Shenyang Lotus Township.
CCTV Man Oh, yes?
Shenyang Yes.
CCTV Man (to Uncle Zhao) He's the one your son referred me here to.
Shenyang Is that me?
CCTV Man Please go to Beijing with me tomorrow for a new section of the Starlight Broadway, would you?
Shenyang Thank you so much, Mr. Bi. I... I just can't believe it!
Uncle Zhao My dear in-law, I'm a bit clumsy with words but my dishes are still bein' cooked there for you. It's OK if you think nothin' of me, but do please show s'me mercy on the girl's poor dead grandpa. Or shall I ask him to talk to you face to face?
CCTV Man Oh, no. Tell me if she's famous enough in these parts?
Uncle Zhao That ain't abut it. No matter whut, I ain't praisin' her for nothin'. As a matter of fact, she's famous far an' wide. You can surf the Sohu for news abut her - the click rate is just fuckin' high. The girl with the cyber name "Yadar" is her.
CCTV Man So she's the Yadar netizens're talking so much about?
Uncle Zhao Sure.
畢福劍：太好了。你馬上上菜，今天這頓飯我包了，我請(qǐng)客。丫蛋，你明天跟著大哥一起去北京，上《星光大道》。你們搞一個(gè)組合，就叫"不差錢(qián)"。
毛毛： 我也能去了？
畢福劍：可以啊。
毛毛： 謝謝姥爺。
小沈陽(yáng)：謝謝姥爺。
趙本山：我跟你說(shuō)，畢老師，你們《星光大道》不是百姓舞臺(tái)嗎？誰(shuí)都可以參與嘛。他們都要了，把我也接收得了唄。
畢福劍：搜狐網(wǎng)上也有您的名字？
趙本山：你點(diǎn)一下試試唄。另外，我有個(gè)重要秘密沒(méi)跟您透露。
畢福劍：什么秘密？
趙本山：其實(shí)我姥爺也姓畢。
（演員謝幕）
CCTV Man Fantastic! (To Shenyang) Serve the meal quick. It's going to be my treat today - I'll pay the bill. And Yadar, you go off to Beijing tomorrow along with Shenyang, and join the rest of us there at Starlight Broadway. The two of you shall team up and prepare a comic piece with the title "Got the Money Anyway."
Yadar Can I really go?
CCTV Man Of course.
Yadar Thank you, grandpa.
Shenyang Thank you, grandpa.
Uncle Zhao Dear in-law, I know the Starlight Broadway's a stage for common people to play on. If you can take the two youngsters with you, why can't you take me too?
CCTV Man Are you famous, too, on the internet?
Uncle Zhao You can click an' see. An' there's a little secret I haven't told you yet.
CCTV Man What's it?
Uncle Zhao My maternal grandpa, too, was surnamed Bi.
(The entire cast exeunt after courteously bowing to the audience.)
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